Dear Alane,

This is a story about two highly sensitive six-year-olds who become overwhelmed at the end of the day.

One girl threatens to “pack her bag and leave” and tries to go outside, even in the evening. A boy who has been experiencing bullying at school says “I’ll pull my hair out, is that what you want?” when he feels misunderstood.

In both cases, it’s hard to keep them safe without touching them to stop him from hurting himself or to stop her from running outside, especially when everyone at home is tired after a long day.

They’re very empathetic, energetic children who feel their emotions intensely, and they’re also struggling with a very strict teacher who uses rewards. The parents—both the more reactive and the more gentle ones—feel overwhelmed and unsure how to help.

How can we prevent dangerous behaviors without isolating the child?
How can we co-regulate when we ourselves are exhausted?
What impact can a very strict teacher have on highly sensitive children?

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Dear Parent,

I have some questions... Are the children twins? In the same household? Kindergarten or Grade 1? Do the parents work outside the home?

Thank you for this very complex and challenging story. I LOVE supporting parents raising sensitive kids! Member, will you be attending Office Hours (aka HSP Tools & Topics) on Friday at 10am Pacific time? This will be the big theme for the Tool Love Seat this week. And I hope everyone will be there to support and learn (and co-regulate).
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​Co-regulation. It's a doozy, and it's a tremendous gift, especially between adults and children. The word describes how two (or more) people can help each other calm down and stay sane. It's true that sometimes your nervous system goes into overdrive when you are with others. The opposite can also be true when co-regulation is working, and especially between and adult and a child.
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Adult and child? Maybe you think that's not you if you live alone or have grown children, but trust me, that little sensitive child you once were is alive and well within, and they need your help, too. Little Annie (my HSC within) has been loud and challenging (dysregulated) of late — the holidays can do that to us — and I have had the challenge of finding my own self-regulation to help quiet her down.

Let's gather together and tell our stories. I can't wait to share my experience, strength, and hope with this family and with all of you. WAIT? You're interested but not yet a member of Are You Highly Sensitive? Don't worry, you are still invited. Shoot me an email in reply, and we'll send you two links to register: 1. You can join AYHS, or 2. You can just come on Friday.
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Breathing and regulating,
Alane Ann Freund

PS
Does this story sound familiar? After more than three decades as a family therapist supporting families raising sensitive children and teens, it is very familiar to me. I'll tease one underlying truth here:

Everything the parents do to help matters; Nothing the parents do will fix it completely.
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​Why not? The children are highly sensitive. They (we) have more reactive brains which will never FIT IN to society. It's not fixable, but it is VERY designable. I'm here to help.

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Alane Freund, MS, MA​
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (Lic. #LMFT36077)
International Consultant on High Sensitivity
​P 415-203-6600 E alane@areyouhighlysensitive.com

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